What Drove Me to Take a Leap of Faith
Have you ever had an inescapable feeling gnaw at you? A thought that continually creeps forth in the darkest corners of your mind. Something so farfetched, almost delusional, that it warps your sense of self. My inescapable feeling has always been the dream of being a professional writer, more specifically a bestselling author. Since middle school, I remember my English teachers and professors telling me that I was a good writer. I had the occasional few ask me if I ever considered pursuing it professionally. Of course, there were the handful of teachers that did not share the same creative vision as I. One time, there was even a teacher who could only pick out a single sentence structure, from a whole essay that I wrote, that he liked.
Even though there were some discouraging moments, I have always felt this pull towards writing. During college, when I was so sure that a job in the veterinary field would complete my life, I ended by switching my major to English. In times of distress, despair, or any other overwhelming emotion I turned to writing. Pouring my heart into journals or capturing a feeling with poetry became a lifeline. I have toyed around with book ideas in the past and published small work before, but never committed to something larger. Every time I returned to writing, there was this feeling that something clicked inside me.
Yet do not elude yourself into believing that I have been chasing this dream my whole life. That is a lie, I cannot tell. Since 2019, I have been trying to find my passion in life. In college I switched majors every semester. I started off as a veterinary major, because that is what I saw as a successful life through my childhood best friend’s family. I switched to animal sciences then to English/Greek language and finally to psychology. As well as transferring between three different schools. If you could not tell, I was quite lost. It took me too long, and a lot of debt, to realize college was not for me. Without the rigid schedules of high school, I was drowning. So, I adjusted paths and stayed afloat by serving, something that was familiar to me since the age of sixteen. I bounced around from restaurant to restaurant, always dreaming of doing something more. I supplemented that creative yearning with crafts and small art projects. Always maintaining a focus on work and growing a professional career. After a few years of this, I decided to change paths again; a lot of family influence led me to applying for a typical 9-5 role.
In 2022, I got a job with 802 Credit Union as their Administrative Support. From the life I have lived so far, I truly believe that every experience happens for a reason. Some experiences happen to move you forward in life or some to teach you a lesson. My time with 802CU only solidified that belief. I will not go into detail about all the experiences and lessons that helped to shape me, in a short span of two and a half years. The best summary I can give you is to be open to new experiences. By living in that philosophy, I have met people that influence me to be the best version of myself, had experiences that grew my confidence, and gained knowledge that has expanded my horizon. I met some extremely special people, who I hope to stay in my life forever. However, the greatest gift that came of my time with 802CU was reconnecting with writing.
My role consisted of a lot of professional writing: minutes and procedures. Occasionally, I would get to collaborate on some content writing with the Marketing Department. As my role grew, so did the amount of writing I was doing. Like getting back on a horse (horse, not bike because bikes are terrifying), it was quite rough at first. It had been so long since I had written that even taking notes felt clunky. After a while the feeling of words flowing like a river through my fingertips came back. I found myself wishing to write more, even outside of work. My love for books came back as well; when I was younger, I would devour books like cookies in a jar. In the Summer, I would bounce from reading spot to reading spot around the house. I remember my mom even begging me, at one point, to put the book down and play with friends. This renewal of passion felt like a release on my windpipe, and I was gasping for air. Ideas for novels and stories began to flower in my mind like they had years before. I revisited some old book outlines to see if I could pursue a novel. It was quite laughable to realize how truly awful these ideas were, almost five years later.
This realization sparked a thought, ‘what about creating a whole new novel from scratch?” With that I began recording any plot point, character, or book-related thought that popped into my head. I found myself springing up in the middle of the night to quickly add another thought to my notes app before it left my mind. I also realized how therapeutic it was to create a story and release some of myself into the characters. I spent the initial weeks thrown into my book conception. Eventually, work took priority again and my mental capacity was reclaimed. For months, I fell through cycles of focusing on the book and then focusing on work. If you have not gathered, I do not have much emotional/social battery and I happen to be someone with a lot of emotions in a very social job/family. Focusing on both lead me to forgoing some of my essential, basic needs. Not too long ago I had a heart to heart with myself and asked the question, “would you be truly happy doing this for the rest of your life?”
There are not many things in life that bring us true happiness or release. Life can be filled with stress and hardships, in general it can be pretty shitty. We also do not get to choose what life throws at us and it loves to throw a curveball. However, we can control some major areas of our lives: who we are, who surround ourselves with, and what we do in this world. I do not believe in spending my finite amount of life doing something that does fulfill my needs. My purpose feels unique and challenging, and that purpose is writing. I want to create worlds that readers go to escape their everyday lives, characters that you cannot help but form an attachment to, and stories that make you feel all of what life has to offer. Choosing to pursue this path has not been easy, even the choice itself has been something challenging to accept. The journey has barely begun and already there is resistance, doubt, and rejection. I fully accept these challenges, as spite has always fueled me and will continue to do so. I have been lucky enough to find people, that I choose to be in my life, that have been nothing but supportive. Those few, the ones that stick around and I know will continue to, are a new fuel.
Thank you for joining me on my journey and I hope to see you all when I cross the finish line.